Fake orgasms count, as long as they’re not yours
Guys, I know it sounds crazy, but just hear me out. Here’s the plan:
From here on out, we’re going to run our banks and brokerages completely by the book and within the bounds of the law. We’re going to play it straight and keep it low-key. In short, we’re going to stop looking for ways to fuck the customers.
(indignant shouts and table slaps)
Sit down and let me finish. Gentlemen sit down! I haven’t even gotten to the diabolical part yet.
Now I know I’m asking you to stretch quite a bit here, and yes, I understand that something like this hasn’t been attempted in our industry in decades. But just imagine the possibilities! We show up for work, we do what we say we’re going to do, we hire people who are every bit as motivated to do a good job for the customers as they are to be successful for themselves. We only offer products and services that we would offer to our grandmothers and children. We make the fine print into bold lettering. We eliminate hidden fees or at least disclose them where necessary. We treat people’s money like it’s our own. We stop intentionally blowing massive asset bubbles to profit on both their inflation and eventual bursting.
